The Horse


Even if the fall doesn’t hurt, it can be hard to get back on the horse.

Lots of things take time to become a habit.  There are lots of things I do frequently, which are not yet habits.

And sometimes, for whatever reason:  Stress. Overwork. Tiredness. Something new that interests me.  Boredom. I stop doing them.  Not because I don’t enjoy them, but because the take something like time, brainpower, energy, willpower that I don’t have enough of.

These things.  Things I like.  Things I enjoy.  These things seem to be the hardest things to start doing again.

To start doing these things again is making a statement ‘this time I’ll stick with it’

And that statement carries the hidden statement ‘and if I don’t stick with it I’ll be a failure’

Which is a shame, because I can’t do the things I like, because of the potential to fail.  Whereas if I never do them again, I’m not so much a failure as a tormented genius with sooooo much potential.

So failure seems to be a better route than being the sort of person I would dismiss with sarcasm.  I will let myself fail at most things, if it means I can succeed in having fun – or just the occasional feeling of success at not having failed yet.

I will get back onto the horse.

I will lose weight.

I will write more.

I will try to knock a few entries off the list of things I could do right now if I had the energy

(I tried horse riding once, I didn’t enjoy it.  The horse in this post is metaphorical.)

I will fail at some or all of these.  That isn’t the problem.  Because the joy isn’t is getting to the end.  It isn’t to say on my dying day ‘ha-ha I stuck with it all the way.’  The joy is in the process.


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